Children of the Enemy Page 20

  In the bar we wear mini dress, very sexy, but we don’t do nothing. We just sit and talk. Some men know that, some don’t know. If it be first time you see me, maybe you don’t ask me to sleep with you. Maybe three or four times you come, then you ask me. I say, “If you want to sleep with girl, I take you to another girl. She go sleep with you, but not me, I cannot.” You ask me why, I say, “I cannot because I never sleep with a man. Just sit down and talk, okay; but for love, I cannot do.”

  There were many bars in Vung Tau. In my bar, mostly white men come, but some bars it was mostly black. I go to work at five-thirty. The man come, he say, “What are you drinking?” I say, “Saigon tea,” and I sit together with him. Then he ask, “What’s your name, how old are you, how long you work here, you have boyfriend?” something like that. When I first went to work, I didn’t know how to speak English. My friend tells me what to say, but I forget all the time. The first day I be very nervous, scared. I don’t know nothing, I just laugh. But everyday I listen, and I learn a little.

  I come five-thirty and stay till eleven-thirty or twelve. Every two weeks I get paid one time, but only for the Saigon tea that the men order for me, not salary. Still, the money’s good. Sometime a man gives me money, a tip, just for talking with him. The bar knows that I don’t sleep with the man, so they don’t get the money that he give me. I keep that all. When you sleep with man, he buys a ticket, and then the bar gets money.

  The girls all have to go to the doctor one week, one time. Even though I don’t sleep with the men, I have to go. Everybody has to go. The police come to bar all the time. If you have ID to work in bar, you have to have it with you when you work. The bar pays the police to stay open. I don’t know how much. If they give money, the police don’t check bar every day. If they don’t give, the police come, make trouble, check bar all the time, and arrest the girls.

  I’m still a “cherry girl” when I go live with Mac. He be the first man I go home with, first man I sleep with. Too many men come, they want to live with me, but I don’t like it, I be scared. I don’t know how come, but I be scared. You know, every day too many people come to bar. I sit down with too many people for sure, but only for friend, not for love.

  Mac, he come to bar many time. I was about eighteen, he was twenty-six, I think. He’s a white man, he be in the navy. He work on a ship, and when ship goes he must go too, but when the ship comes back, he changes clothes and comes right over to bar to see me. He tell me he have wife and baby in America. He tell me true, but I love him. I love him so much and I go live with him.

  My mother never knew what I do. Very long time she don’t see me, maybe two years. Then one man, he live behind my mother in Saigon, he sees me at beach with a GI. He don’t say anything to me. I don’t see him but he sees me. When I go home, he follows me, so he know my house, where I live. He goes and tells my mother, and my mother comes see me in Vung Tau, and she cry too much. She very angry because I go to work with man, with GI. And she see that I’m living with a GI, she don’t like that. But the next day, she feel a little better, not so angry, because she sees Mac’s a good man. He can’t talk Vietnamese, but he be good, and my mother like him. He get very nervous when she come, he be shy.

  So my mother goes back to Saigon. She be sad, but I stay together with Mac. I have only one boyfriend, him, and I stop working bar. I be pregnant, and I just stay home. When I work bar, I have too many boyfriends, but when I live together with a man, only one.

  I stay with him one year and a half. We had a house, he pay every month. Sometime he must go on the ship, two weeks, three weeks, one month. He give me money when he go, he’s very good. But he never told me when he go home to America. He knows, he’s very sad, but he don’t say. [At this point, Hoa is overcome and must stop for quite some time.]

  He don’t tell me nothing, he just cry all the time, he be very sad. I ask him, why he cry, but he don’t say. I think he just go on boat two weeks, three weeks, and come back, same as other times. At this time I be pregnant, and I go to the hospital to have my baby son. After born my baby son, I come home. I stay home three weeks, and Mac don’t come home yet. One day my baby pee in bed, so I take off the mattress, and I see a letter and money, too much money. I cannot read the letter, so I take it to one friend to read. The letter says that he’s sorry that he cannot say before he go, he cannot tell me, but he must leave. He very sad, but he cannot do anything because he have wife and baby in his country. I cry so much, because he never will come back anymore. He work in navy three years already, so he’s finished, he will never come back. This be the first time I live together with a man, that I love a man, and I want to die.

  I went back to Saigon to see my mother, but I didn’t stay there long because people they see me, they say, “Whore, have baby American, no have husband.” Every day when I go out they say that. If I have Vietnamese baby [and no husband], it’s not that bad, but an American baby. . . Everybody know that I work bar. If I don’t work bar, how can I have an American baby? They don’t like that. Finally, I get tired of them calling me names, so I go back to Vung Tau. In Vung Tau they don’t say anything because there be too many bars there. Too many women have American babies.

  I stay home and look after my baby, but I’m so depressed, I start to gamble, to play cards, and I lose all the money Mac give me. He leave me so much money, “bu cu” money, and I lost it all. I just want to die, but I have a baby, so I cannot.

  I never got a letter from Mac. I had his address in America, but when VC come, I must throw away everything. I never wrote because he have wife and two babies. I don’t want to make trouble for him, I don’t want his wife to know about me. If his wife knows, it’s no good for him, see.

  Six months after Mac left, I went back to Melody Bar to work. This time I don’t just drink Saigon tea. I go home with the man because I have baby already. I’m not “cherry girl” anymore. If a man want to take me home between five and eleven, he have to pay the bar . . . I forget . . . about twenty dollars. I get about twelve dollars. After eleven, he don’t pay the bar, because I finish work already. I finish work, I go home, he come later. Nobody know, so I tell him to do that. Sometime a man work a long way from Vung Tau, fighting the VC. He come from the battlefield, he have so much money, so he give me a lot. Some of these men, they sleep, but they be scared, they have bad dreams. They yell, “VC come, VC come kill me.” Some men, they be hurt. They have battle wounds from fighting the VC.

  If I like a man, I go with him. If I don’t like, I don’t go. It’s up to me. Only American men, never Vietnamese men. The men are very nice, they’re okay, but if they drunk I don’t go with them. They are not good the same as my boyfriend, but I go with them for money, not for love.

  When I go back to work, I have somebody come to take care of my baby son. But when he was a little more than one year old, he drink milk and throw up, he cannot keep it down. I take him to the doctor, but after one week he die. I never know what’s wrong with him. He just die.

  I go back to work bar, and I meet my second husband. His name Phil, he’s also a white man, about twenty-six. He be army, he works as an airplane mechanic. I meet him in the bar, and I live with him for eight months. He go America for one month and come back, then he stay another six months. I get pregnant, and his mother know I’m pregnant. She write me a letter. She wants me to write her a letter, me, not him. I don’t know how to write, so I talk, and Phil write. You know, Phil be good, I like him, but I can’t love anybody anymore after Mac. I be too hurt.

  I have one son with Phil, and when he go to America he want to take me, but I don’t want to go. You know, I hear he have many girlfriends. I hear, but I don’t see, and I don’t like that. I think, if I go with him to America, and he bring another girl home, what can I do? I be by myself, it’s not my country. My friends talk about that, so I be scared, I don’t go. I don’t want my baby to see that, that his father have many girlfriends. He want to take baby to America, but I say “No, baby must stay with his mot
her.” So he go to America, he write me many letters, ask me to go to him. His mother write me letters too, she know I have his son. But I don’t go, I be afraid.

  When Phil go home, I went back to work in the bar. After one year, I met another American, a black man, his name Lee. He work CID [Criminal Investigation Division] in Long Binh. You know CID? Sometime you go black market, and he go behind you and he get you. You do something wrong, he get you. He come to see me every Saturday, and Sunday he go back to Long Binh. He know I have baby son, but he don’t care. He love my son, he bring him presents. He don’t like that I leave my baby son with mama-san. He say if I don’t love my baby, how can other people love my baby? He make me stay home and take care of the baby.

  Lee left Vietnam in 1972. He went back to America very fast. One day, they say he have to go right away, and he go. When he left, I was pregnant with my daughter Loan.

  He write me letters, and his mother write me letters too. She know I have his baby. They want me to go to America, but I don’t want to go. You see, I have a baby boy with Phil, my second husband, but I don’t go with him to America, so how can I go with Lee?

  I had one baby boy from Mac. Then Mac go home, and I don’t have any husband. Then my baby die, and I don’t have baby or husband. Then with second husband, Phil, I have another baby son, he be white. Then I have daughter with Lee, the third husband. She’s a black girl. If I go to America, what Lee’s mother think, that I have one white son and one black daughter? What American people say? What his family think of me? So I cannot go, you see.

  In 1972 the bars in Vung Tau closed, because no more GI’s. But there were still Americans in Saigon and bars. I went back to Saigon and worked in a bar at Tu Do Street. Mostly Americans come to the bar, some Vietnamese too, but not too many. I worked there until ’75, when the VC come.

  You know, I never had a Vietnamese boyfriend. Many come and asked me to live together with them, but I don’t want to. I don’t like Vietnamese men. When I was thirteen years old, I live at home, and my friend live next door. Every day I see her husband hit her and hit her. I don’t like that. Many Vietnamese men do that. So I go work in bar. I have GI boyfriend, they treat me very good.

  In 1975 the VC come. Life is very hard. I want to be good, I want to sell something and look after my baby and my mother, but they don’t let me do that, you see. If I sell something, the police come, he take my things. He don’t give them back to me, and he don’t give me money. Many times he do that, and what can I do? Even now in Vietnam, if I sell inside, all right, but if I sell outside, they don’t like. You have to have money to give to the police. If you don’t, you have problems. I don’t have nothing to give to him, so he take my things. Not only me, many people’s things, he take. But if you can pay him, he leave you alone.

  If you can make six or seven thousand dong in one day, sometimes ten thousand, it’s all right, but some days I don’t make nothing. I have mother and babies, see. I have to pay for house, I have to pay someone to look after my baby. How can I pay for school, how can I give them something? So I can’t pay off the police, and some days he come and take all my things. And when he take, I don’t have money to buy again.

  It’s a little easier now than before, than in ’75. I think if VC don’t loosen up they be scared the people revolt against them. You know, when the VC come, they take people’s houses away, and they send the people away very far, into the country [the New Economic Zones]. They say that they give you a house there, but they don’t give. They say they give food, but they give only for three months, then no more. What can you do, how can you live?

  The VC police, they know I have American babies. A policeman come to my house at night many times and make me go to the station, and he talk, he say listen to me. He say that I have to say that Americans come to Vietnam to take my country. He say that Americans say they want to do good, but inside they are no good, they always want to get my country. But I say, “That’s not true, because I live with American and he don’t do that. He don’t do what you thinking. Always he be good, he help too many people.” But VC say, “No, you lie.” He want me to change my mind, and he gets very angry. But you see, I live with Americans, I know many Americans, they be good.

  Sometime it would be only me at the station, sometime there would be many women there. I have to go there four or five times a week, seven o’clock at night. Whoever changes their mind, says “American, no good,” okay, they can go home, so some people just say that so they can be left alone, so they can leave. But I can’t say that. I don’t care what I am, I don’t want to say that because I live together with Americans. I have two American babies, so how can I say that?

  They talk about Ho Chi Minh. They say he is so good because he work very hard and he don’t need no money, he only want to help people. But I say, “I’m not sure, I never saw him, so how can I say anything about him?” So VC get very angry, and one night, at about two o’clock, when I was sleeping, he come to my house and take me to the monkey house [jail, reeducation camp]. He don’t even tell me where they take me, and my family, they don’t know where I go.

  The VC tell us that we would only go to school for ten days and then go back home. That’s what they say to all the women that have American husbands or work for the Americans. They say you have to change your mind, don’t think about Americans no more. But when we come to the monkey house, we have to stay for three, four, five, even eight years. Yeah, ten days, that’s what they say, but they take me go for more than two years.

  For the first five months, they keep me in the monkey house in Saigon. They put me in a small room with many people. They give me one glass of water for a day. Sometime for three or four days, no water for shower. We are always very dirty. They want you to change, see. I never change, always I say that.

  In my cell, there be almost a hundred people. Some are same as me, work with Americans, live together with Americans. Every day, morning and night the police come, and they tell us to read the book about Ho Chi Minh and talk about Ho Chi Minh. They want us to change our minds. I cannot read too well. Sometime I look, because if you don’t look they hit you. Yeah, they hit, too much sometimes. He ask me question, and I don’t know, and he hit me because I look with my eyes, but inside I don’t look.

  All day we stay in the cell. We can’t see nothing, there are no windows. It’s so hot it makes you crazy. Many people get sick, but they don’t give no medicine. Some die. We are all so dirty. They don’t care what happens to us. They think, if we dead, they happy. We are lower than dogs, they want to see us dead. They tell us, “Okay, now call the Americans to come and help you.”

  If you change your mind, they let you go out and work, and that’s not too bad. But if you don’t, they keep you inside. I don’t go out, they don’t let me. I don’t know how come I can’t say that I change my mind. I think it’s because I have two American babies. If not, maybe I can say I change.

  After three months, they let me write a letter, and then my mother came to see me. For many months, she was very sad because she don’t know where they take me. Two months later, they sent me to labor camp. Many went, not only me. They put many people on a big truck, and it’s covered, so we cannot see where they take us. We ride for many hours with no food or water.

  They take us to this place, it’s a prison camp. We sleep in houses, all prisoners, fifty people in one house. We work all day, and seven o’clock to nine o’clock at night we read Ho Chi Minh. Police want me to hate Americans. If he don’t change my mind, he say he shoot me. He keep me there for a long time, he say. I never see my babies again, he tell me that.

  We must wake up four A.M. They don’t give us no food. Five o’clock we go walking to work and six o’clock start work. Twelve o’clock they give us some food. We get rice only three or four days, very bad rice, “titi” rice. The other days just manioc or sweet potato . . . no good. Five o’clock we walk back and six o’clock we get back to camp. They don’t give you shoes, and you get these things,
leeches all over your feet. So many leeches there and mosquitoes. I get many cuts and infections, and I get sick all the time, but I don’t say nothing. If you say you sick, they say you lie, and they hit you.

  Sometime we try to eat leaves in the forest, but if the guards catch you, they will beat you hard. If they get angry, they put you in a metal box. It’s burning hot in the day, cold at night in there. You cannot stand, you cannot sit, only squat. Sometime they keep you in there for three days. They don’t give you food or water. If you have friend in the police, he can slip “titi” water to you at night, okay, but if you don’t, you die for sure. If you don’t eat for three days it’s all right, but if you don’t have water, maybe die soon. Easy to die, many die. They never put me in there, because I didn’t make them angry. When they say work, I work. They hit me sometimes. When they ask me about Ho Chi Minh, I don’t remember and they hit me, but they don’t put me in the box.

  There are men prisoners there too, but they don’t live near us. They live a long way away. Most are ex-ARVN soldiers. Some men, they work for Americans before. The VC make the men work harder than the women. Many die, too many die.

  The guards are very mean. They think they are big, and we are nothing. They don’t care if you die . . . They say if you die they very happy. If a dog die, they sad, but if we die, they happy. They say like that, yeah. We don’t mean nothing to them. A dog is worth more than people.

  Sometime when I sleep, two o’clock, four o’clock in the morning, I hear shooting, and I know someone trying to escape. But if they don’t shoot you and they find you, wow, they hit you very much, sure. Some people get away, but many they get back. They beat them so hard, very, very bad. And they take you to go in the metal box. Women, they hit not so much, but if it’s a man, they beat him terrible. If he don’t die now, he die later for sure because he be very hurt inside.